Divorce from a high-conflict person can deplete your resources tremendously. It can also be stressful, leading to you getting engrossed in self-defeating thought patterns and activities. Do you want to know how to get over your bitter divorce? Here are critical techniques for getting through it as given by divorce lawyers:
What defines a high-conflict divorce?
The term high-conflict divorce refers to divorces in which one or both spouses purposefully disrupt the process or inflict undue emotional damage on one another.
Examples include refusing to disclose financial accounts, sending harassing emails, and custody stalking (using court actions to force contact with or financially burden a partner).
Statistics vary, but researchers believe that around 20% of all separated couples are going through a high-conflict divorce.
Every scenario is unique. However, the following are some common signs you are facing a high-conflict divorce:
- Harmful communication patterns caused by the demonization of one spouse by the other
- Constant bickering about divorce issues with no end in sight
- Children’s needs taking a second seat to the divorce drama
- A sense of impotence among all parties concerned.
One spouse in certain high-conflict divorces has high-conflict personality qualities that make them prone to difficulty making decisions or adapting to change.
If you recognize any of the following behaviors in your soon-to-be ex, you may be divorcing a high-conflict individual:
- Rigid thinking and demands
- Blaming others
- Playing the victim
- Mismanaged emotions
- Extreme actions
- Threats
High-conflict divorce tips
Hire the right attorney
Ensure that your attorney understands the psychology of high-conflict personalities, which frequently exhibit symptoms of personality disorders. You want a lawyer who is an experienced litigator in case going to court is the best option.
As much as you want the best attorney, reconsider before employing a “shark attorney.” Remember, you need a powerful counsel, not a flame-thrower who will only escalate disputes (and legal fees).
You should get a level-headed attorney who is not only looking to win the case, but also ensure that everyone gets what is good for them.
Hold your emotions
High-conflict individuals exhibit theatrical behavior and attempt to “hook” others into losing their calm. Don’t give your ex this pleasure!
You must moderate your reactions if you are yelling, crying, or wringing your hands in dread. Don’t take everything your ex says personally; use coping strategies and wait until you’ve calmed down before replying.
Maintain your communication lines.
High-conflict divorces are fueled by hostile emails and messages. Follow a low-conflict communication method to help cool the flames. This calls for you to be brief, informative (just facts, no opinions or sentiments), use a neutral tone, and be firm (no waffling or bargaining).
Don’t broadcast the situation.
Telling everyone around you about your high-conflict divorce may cause more stress than making you feel better. If a high-conflict spouse discovers this, they may escalate their conduct.
It’s one thing to explain to important people around you (bosses, colleagues, family members, close friends) why you might not be your best self right now, but going into detail is risky.
Professional guidance, such as a divorce coach or therapist, may help prevent those powerful sentiments from affecting the rest of your life.
If you have to talk about your divorce and partner, do it only with those who matter. Don’t go online talking about it.
Don’t disparage your spouse to your children.
You should avoid criticizing your spouse in front of your children. The reason for this is that according to research, children of high-conflict divorce have poor mental health.
Children are subjected to ongoing emotional anguish due to highly contentious custody proceedings, putting them at a higher risk of mental illness, substance addiction, school failure, and parental alienation.
In fact, the level and severity of parental conflict is now thought to be the most influential element in a child’s future life.
Negative comments will only exacerbate their predicament. If it doesn’t serve the relationship, you need to have going forward to co-parent your children.
Don’t respond immediately.
Instead of responding with an emotionally charged reaction immediately, take your time. Don’t rush to respond when you receive a message from your partner. Instead, write down what you want to say, then set it aside for a day and return to it.
That way, you’ll have time to calm down and not react to your high-conflict, soon-to-be former spouse, which is often what they want.
Recognize that your partner may attempt to drag you into a high-conflict situation. Don’t fall for the bait. You can’t change them, but you have a choice in how you respond.
Be ready for a long process.
Divorces with high conflict can last months or even years, especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist. It is critical to be patient and prepared for a lengthy procedure.
Hire the best divorce lawyers Fairfax, to assist you in developing reasonable expectations and a strategy for navigating the divorce process.
As mentioned, ensure that your attorney is experienced and knows what they are doing.
Keeping track of your expenses is also critical during a high-conflict divorce. Make a budget that includes your monthly expenses, such as rent or mortgage payments, utilities, food, transportation, and any other required spending.
This will assist you in determining your financial requirements during and after the divorce.
Focus on solving a problem.
When a high-conflict person makes a complaint or starts blaming others, ask for a proposal.
A proposal specifies who will do what, when it will be done, and where it will be done. Once the idea is made, the other person can answer with “yes,” “no,” or “I’ll think about it,”—helping to keep the focus on the solution.
You should ask plenty of questions like, “Do you have any ideas on how we can solve that?” “What do you suggest we do?” Instead of continuing the argument, this negotiation strategy assists the parties in coming up with solutions.
Get emotional support
Divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster, especially if the divorce is contentious. A support system is critical to help you through the process. This could include family members, close friends, a therapist, or a divorce support group.
You might think you have to limit yourself to a one on one support, but this isn’t the case. You can always opt for an online support community to guide you through.
