So, your “I do” turned out to be a gigantic “don’t,” and the honeymoon is ended. Before you quit, there are some specific do’s and don’ts to follow if you wish to end this (legally bound) partnership.
Remember, you survived the marriage; now it’s time to get through the divorce. To help you out, here are some of the things you should do:
Get an experienced attorney
There’s a reason this is first on the list: it’s the most important. The right divorce lawyers will argue for you and your children in court and ensure that all legal papers are completed correctly and on time.
When you attempt to represent yourself (“pro se,” which means “on one’s behalf”), you cripple yourself. This is especially true if your spouse has hired an attorney.
Being familiar with the procedure and workings of the court is a vital, virtually unbeatable advantage, so always get an attorney when you are undergoing a divorce.
A skilled lawyer will make the entire process easier for everyone concerned, including the judge, who will undoubtedly become upset as pro se litigants slow down proceedings by attempting, no matter how hard, to execute a job they are simply not equipped to do.
Do you really want the judge to be frustrated with you from the start? Get an attorney.
Even if you are a lawyer going through a divorce, you should know that other attorneys hire divorce lawyers. This is because divorce is always an emotional experience, particularly when children are involved. It is critical to delegate heavy lifting to someone who is less directly invested.
A lawyer can act as a barrier between you and your soon-to-be ex; can be “the organized one” in a time when reason often takes a back seat to emotion; and, finally, an attorney can provide reassurance in intimidating situations simply by being present.
Don’t beat yourself too much.
Divorces occur for an almost uncountable number of causes. Sometimes you see it coming from a long distance away, and sometimes it hits you like a freight train out of nowhere, smashing through your life and leaving you stunned.
Whatever happened, remember that while your marriage may have been flawed, you are not. Divorce does not make you a failure.
In reality, recognizing that a relationship is not healthy or beneficial to you (or your children) and making the decision to terminate it is a sign of a strong, empowered, self-actualized individual.
The same accolades should be given to the man or woman who is strong enough to stand tall and rebuild after being caught off guard by a spouse who reveals, seemingly out of nowhere, that the marriage is ending.
Divorce does not imply that you have failed your children; growing up with a mother and father who are arguing or not speaking at all is not preferable to having a relationship with two happy parents separately.
Divorce does not make you unlovable or a nasty person. That doesn’t mean you’re difficult to live with.
While these things are probably true about your ex, your divorce does not imply that there is anything wrong with you, so don’t beat yourself too much or think that you are lesser simply because you got a divorce.
Watch how you spend your money.
Many people are surprised by this one, which is precisely why it is so important. Most people never budget for divorce. However, your new lifestyle requires new expenses. You’ll need additional gas for visitation and legal appointments.
You will also need to take time off work for court hearings and other divorce/custody-related meetings. So it’s time to cut back on unnecessary expenses and begin preparing for unforeseen divorce costs.
This does not need to be permanent. Track your spending for about a year, and if things are somewhat consistent, and you know how much these new charges are, you can budget for the extras accordingly.
Don’t expose your kids to any animosity.
Most parents genuinely care about their children’s well-being. That is why it is shocking how often people forget about this guideline, and how dangerous breaking it may be for their children.
Regardless of how you and your ex-spouse feel about one another, your children adore you both. Trying to get parents to take a side by criticizing one another, bickering, or whining about what is happening in court in front of the children is extremely difficult for them emotionally.
They love you both and want to satisfy you both; being caught in the middle can lead to feelings of intense guilt and anxiety. In the worst-case scenario, this behavior may have long-term consequences for a child’s mental health.
More typically, it may have a negative impact on their relationship with you. You want the best for your children. If you and your partner can only agree on one issue, let it be that.
If it isn’t possible, take the high road; just because your spouse isn’t following this rule doesn’t mean you have to respond. Be a positive single-parent role model for your kids.
Always show up for your appointments.
Divorce has the unsettling ability to bring out the absolute worst in most people. But fight it! This is not the time to act like anything other than the mature adult you are.
You may become upset and inclined to make a statement by missing a meeting with your spouse’s family lawyers Fairfax VA or arriving late for a court hearing (because your spouse made you wait the last time). But don’t do it.
Allow your spouse’s actions to speak for themselves, as well as your own. If one of you is frequently late and misses appointments, while the other is regularly there and on time, you can guess who will appear more capable, organized, and mature—in other words, the better parent.
It is never a good idea to be petty, vindictive, or passive-aggressive on the court’s time. It will just make you appear careless or, worse, intent on causing trouble.
Regardless of who you’re attempting to harm with a disrespectful attitude, only you and your case will suffer, so be positive and always show up when you are required to.
